My Anxiety: A Bunch of Contradictions

My anxiety is a bunch of contradictions,
A game of chess against my own mind,
With dynamic rules that fluctuate unpredictably.


I love to learn,
But the thought of sitting in a lecture hall makes me feel physically sick,

I know that I am qualified and capable of doing the best I can in my work,
Yet fear of failure and letting the people who rely on me down

I know that a short run can give my mind the space it needs to process its worries,
But then sometimes my anxiety keeps me from running on my own,

I know that tiredness will result in heightened anxiety in the morning,
Yet here I am at 3am worrying about everything,

Whether the supermarket will be too crowded tomorrow,
Or the seminar class will be too loud,
Whether my friends think I'm flakey for cancelling last minute,
Or I'll feel too ill tomorrow for breakfast, lunch or dinner,
And eventually worrying about how anxious I'll feel in the morning,
What I'll miss out on through fear,
Whether or not I'm going crazy,
Because worrying about worrying,
Is an irrational fear of fear.


I can calm friends down in a matter of minutes,
But can take days to talk myself out of circling thoughts of fear,

I'm calm in the event of an external criss,
But can internalise it and be overthinking it three weeks later,

I love to help other people with anything that I can,
But struggle to let even my closest friends help me with my worries,

I'm a people person who's happy and bubbly,
Yet can come across as shy and silent,
Largely unknown that it's just a way of controlling my panicked thoughts,

Trying to access help is a web of complications in itself...

Appearing to function well in day-to-day life creates a paradox
A carefully painted mask and delicately prepared avoidance,
Designed to keep up the pretence that theres no problem,

Emailing therapists to enquire about treatment (that I may or may not be too scared to see through) results in replies asking you to give them a call, but my fear of making telephone calls is yet another of the flaws of my anxiety

I want to talk about my struggles,
Keeping them locked inside only increases their power over me,
But every time I try my mouth locks shut or I choke on my own thoughts

And to a friend....

I love that if we eat out you always ask if I want you to order for me,
That you know me inside out and don't think any less of me for it,
But I hate that I cant always do it for myself,
I hate that fear traps me in a cage,
Preventing me from things perceived by others as normal

You don't realise how much I appreciate your ability to foresee my panic and take me out of the situation before it becomes an anxiety attack,
I hate that my fight-or-flight mechanism is always working overtime and makes this necessary,
But sometimes knowing you will do that if needed is the only thing pushing me out of my comfort zone.



My anxiety is a bunch of contradictions,
But with help, I'm learning to make sense of them

Resolutions

A week into the New Year and here I am thinking about New Years Resolutions. I don’t honestly make a huge fuss over them in general, because I try to make little resolutions very often. Every day I resolve to learn from the previous, to avoid making the same mistake again, to continue doing the things I’ve done right and try harder to make other people happy. But New Year is a good time to think about bigger resolutions so here are mine…

Read more

I love reading but never really do enough of it, I just make too many excuses and need to stop that. So if you have any recommendations, please comment down below

Slow down

I love my busy lifestyle, I really do, but I know that there’s not too much spare time in my days. So why I say yes to jobs that I know will be time consuming and I don’t have time for, I’ll never fully understand. I do get that I’m a huge fan of being busy and making others happy but it would definitely be good for me to slow down, think about the tasks, plan time for them and hopefully I’ll be a bit more relaxed

Work harder

On my degree. At work. At everything and anything. Everything I do, I do because I enjoy and also because I know I can succeed, but it would be brilliant to graduate with a first and I know that I can do it if I remember how much work I need to put into it

Run frequently

This is in part linked with my final resolution. When I’m feeling particularly anxious, I’ll avoid running unless I’ve made a previous commitment to other people to run with them, despite the fact that running would help. Logic, huh? But I’ve recognised that and so would like to change it. I also aim to run my second half marathon this year, and potentially my first marathon (marathon!?! What!). Not only that, I’m super excited to start guide-running for a man with visual impairment! 

Blog more and take more pictures

Very similar to reading, I love to do it and having my own corner of the internet to express myself is amazing but I forget how much I love it when I don’t write anything for a while. I don’t get to be particularly creative within my degree so it’d be nice to spend a little bit of time each week on my creative hobbies

Less anxiety

I can’t say ‘no anxiety’ here because that would be far too big an expectation for myself. If I did that, then it’d end up manifesting in some other way and wouldn’t be as productive.

My aim for this year is to recognise my anxiety better. To avoid less of the things I enjoy just because I’m too worried to do them on that particular day, and talk about my feelings properly when I need to. Mostly just to have a ‘mentally healthier’ year than 2016 was

What are your resolutions for 2017?

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x