Promises to myself

It's that time of the year again. And yes this is another post about New Years Resolutions - you can skip over it if you like, I'm not going to take offence. The majority of the reason I'm posting it is for acountability to myself.

Pack in the plastic

Here's a quick story...before Christmas I hesitantly bought one of Lush's shampoo bars. I couldn't possibly tell you which one, it's blue and smells kind of citrusy (logic?). But anyway, I was reluctant. It cost about £7 compared to the usual £2 I'd spend on the bottle, but I was curious. Well let me tell you it was revolutionary. 3 weeks later and I don't think the bar has shrunk recognisably (I'd be through a whole bottle of shampoo by now), it's super transportable, and my hair feels better than it ever has done before. Oh and it's cruelty free and plastic free. Now I'm pretty much of the belief that we've gone to far in terms of global warming, but there's definitely something that can be done about waste. And if forward-planning and researching where I buy my products makes me feel like I'm doing my bit, why not?

Let God in

...and find a healthy relationship with prayer. I know that this one is going to be difficult, because it's something I've never had. I don't do things by halves, I'm an all-or-nothing kind of girl, but all can be dangerous and unhealthy. It's going to take time, committment and faith. Every single day. But it is going to be worth it. And I guess a subcomponent of that comes in to the next one

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Not like physical things. Like life. And the things you don't want to talk about because they're big and scary. And they mean asking for help. And the things you don't want to talk about because they're exciting, new and something you're proud of. Because then you feel self-centered. You're friends want to share the good, the bad and everything in between you numpty

Give up on the quest for perfection

That doesn't mean settle for the easy option, or let good opportunities pass you by because it might be hard work.

It means don't allow your fear of failing at something stop you even trying. It means stop obsessing over perfect grades, making sure your runs are all perfect distances, eating perfect meals, stressing over having perfect attendance and getting to that perfect weight.

It means submitting the essay when it's done, not after 64 read throughs right up to the minute it was due in. 

Most important it means accept yourself and your achievements because (spoiler-alert) perfect isn't achievable

Recognise my limits

On paper it's easy. I can't do everything. Sometimes you have to stop, like to come up for air and breathe. Or sleep. At the moment that's definitely appropriate. So put boundaries in. Don't let helping others come at a cost that you can't easily replenish, because there will be another time

Keep doing the things that keep me well 

Make time to run. I'll feel better for it afterwards. And if I think I can't because I might step on a pavement crack and then everyone I care about might die (logic fails to prevail again), then run through mud, because I'll come back stronger to fight it next time. Practice my instruments, because I enjoy it and feel bettew for it. Keep up the writing and journalling. Same reasons.

Read because I like to read

Screw the dyslexia and Irlen syndrome. It might take me longer than other people, and a green screen/overlay might make it a lot easier for me. I need to stop caring about what others think. If I want to sit and read on a train, because whatever else is there to do on a train, then I need to pull out my book, and my little piece of plastic delivered from Emerald City and care only about the journey the author is taking me on. 

Stop shying away from the camera

I have so many memories of avoiding photos. And it's kinda sad, because I have so many great memories, and whilst photos aren't the be all and end all of a memory, it's nice to have something to look back on when you're struggling to remember all of the really good times

Control control

I like control. I like to be in control. I like to know what's going on. And do you know what, I'm also good at control. What I need to be better at is letting others have some of the control, and recognising what never even was mine to have control over

 Now someone please give me a poke when you see me breaking one of these please!

Keep smiling,

K x

Unanswered Prayer - an unpoetic poem

An answered prayer that brought light in the darkness;
the immeasurable hope brought by the whitest dove,
the naive optimism of a person who's never been hurt before.

Blindfolded by anxiety, worries and routine;
given the gift of a breathing compass,
a guide to show the way to reconnect with my faith.

My knees became weak and strength to stand was running dry;
you picked me up and carried me on your shoulders,
or a firemans lift around your waist.

Too much time spent believing in a clown wearing a mask;
with a faith that was unfaithful,
and intentions that were impure.

An attack with a double-bladed sword;
and a victim who froze.
An attack with a double-bladed sword;
and a victim who froze.
An attack with a double-bladed sword;
and a victim who froze.

Bound to secrecy.
I owed it to you.
You saved me.

An attack with a double-bladed sword;
and a victim survivor with the strength to fight.

You didn't save me, He saved me.
I don't owe it to you, you owe it to Him.
I am not bound to secrecy anymore.

Not an answered prayer, just pain, hurt and broken trust;
disguised as answered prayer,
an unanswered prayer left reserved for a better answer.

Strength

I used to think that strength was something largely physical; the ability to push harder, throw further, or lift heavier. Strength was the voice that told me to carry on at the end of a run for one mile more. Just one mile. That would inevitably turn into two. Into four. Into eight. Strength whilst enduring difficult situations was the ability to build an invisible wall, brick by brick, to prevent the problems from leaking out and into anyone else's lives. When hope and faith were limited, and dreams and ambitions felt unreachable, I believed strength was what taught me to move on quickly. After all, I wasn't worthy of these dreams anyway, was I?

There wasn't a definitive day that my perspective switched but, if there had been, it wouldn't have been all that long aygo. Things don't happen overnight. My change in perspective was not like the flick of a switch; it was a series of events carved carefully into my story. A collection of people, lifelong friends, who each helped me to learn more about myself through meaningful relationships. Forever indebted by the strength they helped me find, but forever knowing that strength is built in two directions, but individual ways.

I learnt that strength is letting people close enough to help you when you're struggling, and supporting those around you when they need it too. It is allowing yourself to feel emotions that are difficult to feel, and accepting the truth that these are part of everyone's life in one way or another. Strength is found in trusting the path you are on, in not abandoning dreams at the first mound of adversity and through re-shaping your path with new factors in your life. 

Shockingly enough, strength was never the voice that dragged me through the extra miles. Or the voice that told me I would be worthless if I didn't spend an extra hour in the gym. It was the voice that told me to stop midway through a run as I reach the top of a hill - stop and appreciate the view. It's a measure of how well we handle the challenges that life throws at us. It's smiling through the chaos, knowing that it's taking you on the journey that you are meant to be on. 

Strength never was unspeakable pain, isolation and loneliness. It is found with time and answered prayers; the opportunity to rebuild something that never really had been destroyed

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Calm in the Chaos

Nature tends towards chaos; the enigma of natural entropy. But my mind tends towards order and I'm confused, conflicted and torn.

Birds don't sit in neat rows, sorted alphabetically by surname; they're randomly scattered like raindrops dancing on a puddle. Trees don't grow to identical heights, their creativity isn't diminished or limited by human motives, like the bricks carefully formed into a castle wall. Both behold beauty, yet one demonstrating nature's desire to remain chaotic, the other representing the human desire to override it.

Nature tends towards chaos, but my mind tends towards order. Numbered lists, hours of work completed tallied with lines of equal length. Everything counted and continued until the nimbers round evenly. Pages read, hours of sleep, pieces of pasta eaten.

My mind tends towards order, but I'm learning to see the beauty in nature's disorder. And my mind shifts slightly more in line with natural entropy. And I am learning to appreciate the calm within the chaos

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Hope

Sat with my notes scattered slightly carelessly across the table top; my laptop open, teasing me with the blank screen. I know that I'm supposed to be good at this, and I am, in theory. But that clinical-white blank page brings a cripling fear of making a mistake, and I freeze.

My mind wanders to a far-away place, a mountainside and all the freedom it brings. The colourful landscapes and the harmonies of nature. The sky is blue and clear, poles apart from my current state of mind. And then I remember. I remember that the world is so much bigger than this assignment. The world is so much bigger than me. Than university. Than education. The world is a beautiful page in someone's sketchbook, a narrative etched carefully onto a canvas of air.

I can see this beauty, but I can't feel it; it's like my veersion of real and everyone else's version of real are identical copies of the same page. Except they're carved in to a different secion of air and they never can quite align. I'm here, but I'm not actually here. I know I will be, it's just going to take time.

Still frozen. Eyes glued to the screen. Scared to write the first words. Scared of making the first mistake. Because once there's one mistake, what if it leaks mistake and wrongness into the rest of the words? What if they become contaminated by mistakes, plagued by fear?

An irrational fear of failure that, ironically, is more likely to lead to failure. But once recognised as such becomes even more infuriatingly difficult to control. I wish I could call it something more poetic, but it's not procrastination or perfectionism. I don't want everything to be perfect, I just fear the opposite too much to let the quirky imperfections shine through. An element of a proocess taking shape, a process that sometimes can't happen at all.

Still frozen. But someone hands me a lighted match, and lights an internal candle. A spark of hope; the power to thaw that panic. Someone hands a lighted match, and I realise that someone came from within me.


Keep smiling,
Kathryn

Appreciating the small things

I woke up to the sun-light blazing through my bright orange curtains. They were ready to be peeled right open to display the wonder of the world outside. I don’t know how twelve hours and a change of the clock seem to make the world of difference. Maybe it’s all in my head, some sort of placebo effect, but I swear waking up this morning was like waking up somewhere new. The grass seemed just that little bit greener, the birds in my back garden just a little bit happier. And with all of that, so was I. 

My day was more productive, to-do lists completed in record time and even time for a break in the middle. And knowing that I could go out for a bike ride at 6 o’clock on all of my favourite public footpaths, through fields after fields of greenery and wildlife, without worry about whether it would be light enough led to more productivity. The bike ride gave me the opportunity to appreciate my surroundings more and more, in a cycle of positivity that I’m determined to seize.

So even if it is a placebo effect, I’m always appreciative of our crazy little thing we do with the clocks to signify the start of summer. In a world consumed by technology, where the common lifestyle involves rushing from one place straight to the next, it’s so easy to let the little things in life pass us by. It’s not often we take time to appreciate the way the sun bounces off a lake that casts a warm glow everywhere, or the stranger in the street that smiles at us as we pass, but it’s something I’m trying to do more and more.


Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Summer Reading: All the Bright Places review

One of my absolute favourite parts of summertime is spending copious amounts of time reading; and I mean everything, books, magazines, journals, blogs and articals. Absolutely anything. Despite rationally knowing its good to take a break from studying, I find it so hard during the term time to sit down and focus on reading for pleasure. There's always a tiny little part of me that thinks I should be doing something more 'productive' - whatever that is!

Anyway, I tend to resolve to read more during the summer (as you'll know if you've been with me for a while) but I had exams to sit last summer due to illness during the official examination period. This year, however, I have been delivered the prospect of a fabulous almost care-free summer with plenty of free time and endeavor to spend a lot more time reading so I'm keen to share the highs and the lows of it with you.

The first of my big summer reads was All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven and, having seen a handful of reviews, I had great expectations built up about this book. The novel tells the story of two contrasting characters Violet and Finch, who meet unexpectedly meet on top of their school bell tower with both characters contemplating suicide. We travel with these characters on a journey involving several small road trips as well as their own individual more abstract journeys: Violet and her journey through grief, and Finch's journey through mental illness.

All The Bright Places is gripping from the get-go and I was unable to put the novel down from start to end. I was constantly curious to know what would happen next and shell-shocked to find myself shed a few tears (quite a sight on a sunbed I believe) in the final chapters.


I found that the novel portrayed some important and thought-provoking messages including the idea that you can love someone unconditionally, but you still can't always save them. It also addressed the issue of mental health in a way that is (in my experience) understandable and realistic.

On top of this, I read All the Bright Places whilst on a family holiday and immediately after finishing it, I recommended it to my younger sister who really doesn't enjoy reading. She managed to get through the book in a record-breaking 6 hour time period and was absolutely hooked, then decided she really enjoys reading after all. So thank you Jennifer Niven.

I'll be back soon with some more reviews and some general chat, but in the meantime, keep smiling :)

Kathryn x

A whole load of possibilities

It's me. I'm back again, but you're forgiven if you've forgotten who I am or what I'm doing here. I've been gone a while but aim to be back here fairly regularly from here on in. In the meantime, I fancied talking a little bit about my exciting summer ahead.

Asides from the usual excessive amounts of time spent in work (at my local leisure centre as a lifeguard, gym instructor, receptionist and swimming teacher), I'm super excitied for my holiday soon and the summer residential camps I'm working on soon afterwards. But most of all I'm excited for the possibilities, the surprises, the spontaneous 30mile cycles alongside local canals and lazy days in the garden. What are you looking forward to most this summer?

Keep smiling,
Kathryn

My Anxiety: A Bunch of Contradictions

My anxiety is a bunch of contradictions,
A game of chess against my own mind,
With dynamic rules that fluctuate unpredictably.


I love to learn,
But the thought of sitting in a lecture hall makes me feel physically sick,

I know that I am qualified and capable of doing the best I can in my work,
Yet fear of failure and letting the people who rely on me down

I know that a short run can give my mind the space it needs to process its worries,
But then sometimes my anxiety keeps me from running on my own,

I know that tiredness will result in heightened anxiety in the morning,
Yet here I am at 3am worrying about everything,

Whether the supermarket will be too crowded tomorrow,
Or the seminar class will be too loud,
Whether my friends think I'm flakey for cancelling last minute,
Or I'll feel too ill tomorrow for breakfast, lunch or dinner,
And eventually worrying about how anxious I'll feel in the morning,
What I'll miss out on through fear,
Whether or not I'm going crazy,
Because worrying about worrying,
Is an irrational fear of fear.


I can calm friends down in a matter of minutes,
But can take days to talk myself out of circling thoughts of fear,

I'm calm in the event of an external criss,
But can internalise it and be overthinking it three weeks later,

I love to help other people with anything that I can,
But struggle to let even my closest friends help me with my worries,

I'm a people person who's happy and bubbly,
Yet can come across as shy and silent,
Largely unknown that it's just a way of controlling my panicked thoughts,

Trying to access help is a web of complications in itself...

Appearing to function well in day-to-day life creates a paradox
A carefully painted mask and delicately prepared avoidance,
Designed to keep up the pretence that theres no problem,

Emailing therapists to enquire about treatment (that I may or may not be too scared to see through) results in replies asking you to give them a call, but my fear of making telephone calls is yet another of the flaws of my anxiety

I want to talk about my struggles,
Keeping them locked inside only increases their power over me,
But every time I try my mouth locks shut or I choke on my own thoughts

And to a friend....

I love that if we eat out you always ask if I want you to order for me,
That you know me inside out and don't think any less of me for it,
But I hate that I cant always do it for myself,
I hate that fear traps me in a cage,
Preventing me from things perceived by others as normal

You don't realise how much I appreciate your ability to foresee my panic and take me out of the situation before it becomes an anxiety attack,
I hate that my fight-or-flight mechanism is always working overtime and makes this necessary,
But sometimes knowing you will do that if needed is the only thing pushing me out of my comfort zone.



My anxiety is a bunch of contradictions,
But with help, I'm learning to make sense of them

Resolutions

A week into the New Year and here I am thinking about New Years Resolutions. I don’t honestly make a huge fuss over them in general, because I try to make little resolutions very often. Every day I resolve to learn from the previous, to avoid making the same mistake again, to continue doing the things I’ve done right and try harder to make other people happy. But New Year is a good time to think about bigger resolutions so here are mine…

Read more

I love reading but never really do enough of it, I just make too many excuses and need to stop that. So if you have any recommendations, please comment down below

Slow down

I love my busy lifestyle, I really do, but I know that there’s not too much spare time in my days. So why I say yes to jobs that I know will be time consuming and I don’t have time for, I’ll never fully understand. I do get that I’m a huge fan of being busy and making others happy but it would definitely be good for me to slow down, think about the tasks, plan time for them and hopefully I’ll be a bit more relaxed

Work harder

On my degree. At work. At everything and anything. Everything I do, I do because I enjoy and also because I know I can succeed, but it would be brilliant to graduate with a first and I know that I can do it if I remember how much work I need to put into it

Run frequently

This is in part linked with my final resolution. When I’m feeling particularly anxious, I’ll avoid running unless I’ve made a previous commitment to other people to run with them, despite the fact that running would help. Logic, huh? But I’ve recognised that and so would like to change it. I also aim to run my second half marathon this year, and potentially my first marathon (marathon!?! What!). Not only that, I’m super excited to start guide-running for a man with visual impairment! 

Blog more and take more pictures

Very similar to reading, I love to do it and having my own corner of the internet to express myself is amazing but I forget how much I love it when I don’t write anything for a while. I don’t get to be particularly creative within my degree so it’d be nice to spend a little bit of time each week on my creative hobbies

Less anxiety

I can’t say ‘no anxiety’ here because that would be far too big an expectation for myself. If I did that, then it’d end up manifesting in some other way and wouldn’t be as productive.

My aim for this year is to recognise my anxiety better. To avoid less of the things I enjoy just because I’m too worried to do them on that particular day, and talk about my feelings properly when I need to. Mostly just to have a ‘mentally healthier’ year than 2016 was

What are your resolutions for 2017?

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x