Hope

Sat with my notes scattered slightly carelessly across the table top; my laptop open, teasing me with the blank screen. I know that I'm supposed to be good at this, and I am, in theory. But that clinical-white blank page brings a cripling fear of making a mistake, and I freeze.

My mind wanders to a far-away place, a mountainside and all the freedom it brings. The colourful landscapes and the harmonies of nature. The sky is blue and clear, poles apart from my current state of mind. And then I remember. I remember that the world is so much bigger than this assignment. The world is so much bigger than me. Than university. Than education. The world is a beautiful page in someone's sketchbook, a narrative etched carefully onto a canvas of air.

I can see this beauty, but I can't feel it; it's like my veersion of real and everyone else's version of real are identical copies of the same page. Except they're carved in to a different secion of air and they never can quite align. I'm here, but I'm not actually here. I know I will be, it's just going to take time.

Still frozen. Eyes glued to the screen. Scared to write the first words. Scared of making the first mistake. Because once there's one mistake, what if it leaks mistake and wrongness into the rest of the words? What if they become contaminated by mistakes, plagued by fear?

An irrational fear of failure that, ironically, is more likely to lead to failure. But once recognised as such becomes even more infuriatingly difficult to control. I wish I could call it something more poetic, but it's not procrastination or perfectionism. I don't want everything to be perfect, I just fear the opposite too much to let the quirky imperfections shine through. An element of a proocess taking shape, a process that sometimes can't happen at all.

Still frozen. But someone hands me a lighted match, and lights an internal candle. A spark of hope; the power to thaw that panic. Someone hands a lighted match, and I realise that someone came from within me.


Keep smiling,
Kathryn

Only human

Something that I know I often do is push myself too hard; I expect myself to do things that I can't or don't have time for then get annoyed at myself when I make a mistake, don't get something done on time or don't get it done perfectly. And I think this may be something that you'll be able to identify with.

As human nature goes, we have a huge tendency to expect too much of ourselves and just be too hard on ourselves. This ends up wearing us out and breaking ourselves down. We agree to things in a desperate effort to please other people but at the end of the day, there's no way that you can ever please EVERYONE. There will always be someone who wanted you to be better, faster, smarter, stronger or more sociable. But you are you and your characteristics make that true! You're flaws, mistakes and the way you deal with them make you unique and perfect and don't let anyone every change them! 

The reason I'm writing this is to say that sometimes you need to accept that saying no to something is okay. If you don't have the relevant skills to do something or the time to do it well (or just need a break) that's okay. If you explain yourself absolutely no one can blame you for taking care of yourself every once in a while. If you're struggling with something it's okay to take a while to consider your options and work out what's best for you; don't feel like something's wrong because you can't figure out what you want right now. And you don't need to be hard on yourself for making mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes after all, we're only human! 

Keep smiling, 

Kathryn x 

Why I do bother!

Recently, a few things have happened to me that have had me asking the same thing repeatedly: 'Why do I bother?' And I just thought it would be a good idea to write about it; to give you advice and to help me when I find I'm thinking like this in the future.  

Okay so this has happened a few times to me...

I always (and I mean always) try to be super nice to other people. I guess I just like to think I'm either improving someone's day or keeping the world a happy place. However, more than once, I've tried my hardest to include people that otherwise would have been completely ignored by everyone, just to have it thrown back in my face! After trying particularly hard with one person it really annoyed me to find out that they'd started spreading lies about me behind my back. 

Now, what makes it worse is that this person doesn't know me but, most of all, it is NEVER right to do this. To make someone feel awful is wrong. To spread lies about someone you barely know, someone who tried their hardest to make you feel included and help you out doesn't really encourage them to do it again, does it? 

After I'd heard the things that'd been said I was quite upset but, not only that, I'd lost all confidence in myself. I started to worry and panic then wondered how I should treat her next time I see her. But then I realised something. It's not in my character to treat her any differently. I would feel even worse if I started to treat her differently.

There could be any number of reasons for her saying the things she did. None of those things make her actions justifiable but they could make them slightly more understandable and I guess it's better to forgive but not forget than to let on to her.

Some wise words from Atticus Finch 'Before I can live with other people, I have to live with myself' helped me to learn that I should concern myself with my own actions before I bother about anyone else's!

Keep smiling, 

Kathryn x