Why I do bother!

Recently, a few things have happened to me that have had me asking the same thing repeatedly: 'Why do I bother?' And I just thought it would be a good idea to write about it; to give you advice and to help me when I find I'm thinking like this in the future.  

Okay so this has happened a few times to me...

I always (and I mean always) try to be super nice to other people. I guess I just like to think I'm either improving someone's day or keeping the world a happy place. However, more than once, I've tried my hardest to include people that otherwise would have been completely ignored by everyone, just to have it thrown back in my face! After trying particularly hard with one person it really annoyed me to find out that they'd started spreading lies about me behind my back. 

Now, what makes it worse is that this person doesn't know me but, most of all, it is NEVER right to do this. To make someone feel awful is wrong. To spread lies about someone you barely know, someone who tried their hardest to make you feel included and help you out doesn't really encourage them to do it again, does it? 

After I'd heard the things that'd been said I was quite upset but, not only that, I'd lost all confidence in myself. I started to worry and panic then wondered how I should treat her next time I see her. But then I realised something. It's not in my character to treat her any differently. I would feel even worse if I started to treat her differently.

There could be any number of reasons for her saying the things she did. None of those things make her actions justifiable but they could make them slightly more understandable and I guess it's better to forgive but not forget than to let on to her.

Some wise words from Atticus Finch 'Before I can live with other people, I have to live with myself' helped me to learn that I should concern myself with my own actions before I bother about anyone else's!

Keep smiling, 

Kathryn x

It's just a work in progress

Since this is mostly a private blog and only two people know me outside of the Internet, I feel that I can be completely honest about things and I guess I wanted to write a blog that displayed the message 'It's okay to not be okay'

In the not so distant past I have been through quite a few personal issues but the details of these aren't the important part. At first, it took me a long time to accept that anything was wrong and reaching out for help was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever done. And from there nothing got any easier. I've had many things to tackle; thoughts and feelings that I didn't feel strong enough to fight. But I came out of the other end. Dragged out kicking and screaming at first, but out is out. 

More recently I have been wondering how I know when I'm actually 'better'. Is it the moment that you decide you want to live differently? The moment you reach out for help? Or is it when you've had help? Just because you've had some 'help' does that automatically constitute as being fixed? Because that doesn't seem to make sense to me. How can you be better because someone else decides you've had enough help? So I stopped and thought about it a little bit harder. Maybe you're better when you decide that you want to be. Or maybe not. 

I was asked recently, by one person who has been helping right from the moment things came out, if things were going okay. I knew exactly what was meant by 'things' and how supportive she's still being completely baffles me. I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it. But that day the reply I managed to find was 'I think so' because I didn't know. I didn't know what constituted for 'okay'. I didn't know how to define it but it seems that I didn't need to. The reply I got was 'That's good! Everything's just a work in progress'

And that's the answer to my question. It took someone on the outside to answer it for me. It's just a work in progress. Nothing's ever changed instantaneously, at least, nothing that's worth changing. And that's okay. There will always be good days and bad days but, most importantly, on those bad days there WILL always be someone who wants to help if you reach out. I'm always will to help! Bad days are completely normal and OKAY! No one is perfect all of the time, everyone has flaws and their own personal battles to face. They make us all unique and some things stay with us forever but that doesn't mean we have to let them define us.

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x