Hope

Sat with my notes scattered slightly carelessly across the table top; my laptop open, teasing me with the blank screen. I know that I'm supposed to be good at this, and I am, in theory. But that clinical-white blank page brings a cripling fear of making a mistake, and I freeze.

My mind wanders to a far-away place, a mountainside and all the freedom it brings. The colourful landscapes and the harmonies of nature. The sky is blue and clear, poles apart from my current state of mind. And then I remember. I remember that the world is so much bigger than this assignment. The world is so much bigger than me. Than university. Than education. The world is a beautiful page in someone's sketchbook, a narrative etched carefully onto a canvas of air.

I can see this beauty, but I can't feel it; it's like my veersion of real and everyone else's version of real are identical copies of the same page. Except they're carved in to a different secion of air and they never can quite align. I'm here, but I'm not actually here. I know I will be, it's just going to take time.

Still frozen. Eyes glued to the screen. Scared to write the first words. Scared of making the first mistake. Because once there's one mistake, what if it leaks mistake and wrongness into the rest of the words? What if they become contaminated by mistakes, plagued by fear?

An irrational fear of failure that, ironically, is more likely to lead to failure. But once recognised as such becomes even more infuriatingly difficult to control. I wish I could call it something more poetic, but it's not procrastination or perfectionism. I don't want everything to be perfect, I just fear the opposite too much to let the quirky imperfections shine through. An element of a proocess taking shape, a process that sometimes can't happen at all.

Still frozen. But someone hands me a lighted match, and lights an internal candle. A spark of hope; the power to thaw that panic. Someone hands a lighted match, and I realise that someone came from within me.


Keep smiling,
Kathryn

I'm a free elf

I had my last exam of first year yesterday and that in itself is absolutely terrifying. I'm a third/quarter of the way through my degree depending on which course I pick and the year has absolutely flown by. It's been the best year of my life to date and a pretty big adventure.

I've spent the last few weeks pretty isolated in a horrible little bubble of stress, panic and revision but the end of exams puts an end to this too! I feel like a house elf who's just been given a sock - I'm a free elf! The term isn't over for another 4 weeks and I've got some very exciting stuff planned. Basically I get bored of things like Netflix way too easily and wanted to keep myself very busy. So keep a look out for more blog posts, and other exciting things coming your way shortly.

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Stressed...sorry

I'm afraid that there's not going to be any prizes for guessing the content of this post. It's going to be a little apology...

I've done that thing again. That one where I agree to a little bit too much, and I don't quite have enough time to do it all, and then the stress of exams just gets on top of me a little bit. So here I am, still working, with an exec report to write and revision to do at gone-midnight knowing that I have to be up by 6am to coach a rowing outing. Which is all fine, because things always work out the way that they're meant to in the end. But for now, I do have to be a lot more careful and aware of my time.

I'm still here to reply to comments, and I'm still working on a lot of content but that content is going to take a little while to appear because exams are only temporary but they have a lasting effect and that's where I need to focus all of my energy right now. In other news, I have a super exciting summer planned and can't wait to be free from all of this stress to share it all with you!

I hope you're all well and understand why I'm not here right now. I am sorry. I will definitely be back soon and in the meantime...

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Why I'm not on a gap year

If you know me, you probably know that I thrive on adventures and new experiences. I love to explore new places and see things I've never seen before. It then comes as a bit of a shock to people that I haven't taken a gap year. And that's quite understandable because I'd love to spend a year travelling and I'm pretty sure that I come across that way to others. So I thought I'd talk about my reasons for not taking a gap year, and just general travelling for a little while...

I've always know that I wanted to go to university to gain qualifications and life experience, to learn new things, and to have as good a chance as possible for my future. I was also pretty sure I wanted to study maths (whether or not that still stands is a different matter) and the very well respected universities that I was aiming for often overlook applicants for maths that take a year out due to a break in studying so that was also a major influencing factor. And this has worked out to be a good thing as my university offer to part fund travelling as part of personal development. Also, I'm not sure I was mentally ready to be in such unfamiliar surroundings and moving out has provided me with the confidence as well as helping me to gain skills that I couldn't at home.

Money. Do I really have to explain this? Being alive costs money, university costs money and the student loan doesn't cover very much for me. Not least, travelling costs money too, especially if I'm going to make the most of it. Leaving travelling for a few years means that I'll be able to have a couple of summers cramming in the hours at work for a more worthwhile trip.

When I went to Ghana, there were things I saw that were upsetting, things that I wanted to change. 

I saw children being beaten for tripping on uneven ground. I saw male teenagers with additional needs in Minnie Mouse shorts saturated in wee and staff that didn't care about it. I saw babies crying in cots because they didn't receive any attention; then when I picked on up to comfort her I was shouted at by the matron for showing care and compassion. 

I don't have to power or resources yet to do these things, returning now I wouldn't have the skills to make a lasting difference; only to make a difference while I'm there. So I've done research into educating the staff on health and social care, I'm trying to collect together books and equipment to teach them about various special needs. But I don't still don't think I have everything ready to do this. I want to gain experience and to take that experience to have the ability to make a larger difference to the world. 

So I've not written off travelling, in fact, quite the opposite. It's on my list of things I want to achieve in the next five years, (and yes, I am one of those control freaks with lists about lists). But for now, I'm gaining experience and saving up so that I can make the adventure as special and worthwhile as possible. 

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

When in doubt, get it out

Trapped in a world where everyone is thinking three months ahead of where they are today, never fully appreciating the moment that they're living in right now, I'm sat here. And I know exactly where I am. But at the same time, I'm lost. And from time to time, that gets a little bit overwhelming.

What I've realised just this past week is that you can't keep all of your feelings trapped inside your head because it will just get on top of you. And then you'll explode. 

It really can be hard to find the correct balance of doing things for other peopl and doing things for yourself. But it's really important to be aware of yourself and what you need. Sometimes you just an afternoon away from it all, doing something you enjoy or doing nothing at all, to bring you back. And then you're 100% refreshed and ready to help everyone else again! So find your escape and learn when you need it.

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

Results madness

I returned home from a family Egypt very late Wednesday evening and by the time I got home it was the early hours of Thursday morning. Results day. I was shaking and worried, convinced I had failed everything, and scared about my future. And when I tried to sleep, my head filled up with thoughts of failure and panic. I probably got an hours sleep that night in fifteen minute bursts. 

The results were supposed to go online at six am so when there was nothing to be seen at this time my anxiety levels rose again. It was at half past seven that I looked on UCAS track and found out what my future would hold... 

I had been accepted to my firm choice!! I was so excited and still am! In the end I had to head up to school at 8am for my actual results which were as follows: A* in maths, A in further maths, B in biology, B in Chemistry and an A* in my EPQ. After such a difficult year for me in so many ways, I finally felt as though my work had paid off. But I was a little bit confused. My firm choice wanted A*AA and I only got A*AB. I hadn't made the grades but I still got accepted. I'm not complaining though. It feels like a second chance and now I genuinely do believe that if you work hard and always try your best, you will get what you want in the end.

My message to you is that whatever happens, it's for the best. Everything turns out well in the end and the day may not go as planned but that's just a hurdle. A stepping stone to the next adventure in your life. You can still shape your future however you want it to shape, you might just have to follow a different path for a little while.

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

Where have you been?

So it seems that I haven't been around all that much, if at all, for the past couple of months. I'm sure you'll all appreciate that I am just coming the the end of year 13 so have had a lot on my plate juggling exams and the baggage that they bring along, my swimming training, keeping up a job to fund university accommodation fees for next year, and trying my hardest to remain somewhat close to sane. And out of all of those things I think that latter has been and still is the hardest (but that'll be a post for another day I think). I haven't yet finished my exams; I have one more on Wednesday morning but I'm taking a quick break from revision to write this because I've had an exam this morning and any more thinking might just turn my brain to mush. 

Whilst I've been away, I have still been working on ideas for blog posts, as well as various other creativities. I guess it is a shame but I haven't really been in the mindset to let these ideas take shape. A few of you may know that I'm a fan of metaphors so lets call these ideas seeds. Seeds that grow into the trees or plants for your favourite fruit. Now these seeds have been planted and every time a little shoot develops a naughty little fox comes along and eats the top all because I have been so focused on other things that I haven't been protecting the shoots. But these seeds are strong, determined little things and they keep pushing. And, perhaps more importantly, very soon I'm going to have time to protect these little shoots. 

So I hope you appreciate that I haven't just abandoned my blog, I've just had way too much on and for a while had to work out which things in my life were the most important, and which I could put on hold for a while. But be assured, I'm back now. And back with regular(ish) posts as well as hopefully a few new surprises coming up over the coming months.

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

Education: the right way?

The eduction cycle: school, college, university then a good job. It's that simple isn't it? Well, for me it is the right route. In fact, it's most probably the only sensible route into my chosen career. However, this is not the 'right way'. There is no right way when it comes to education and everyone's path is different.

Recently I've been thinking about what I could be doing if I wasn't in college and I know that there's nothing I want to be doing more but, for some people, it doesn't suit their personality. There are so many options nowadays that there is something for everyone and there is no excuse for someone to be forced into something that they don't want to do. Many of my friends who have chosen routes different to mine were unsure when following their dreams because they thought other people would think less of them for choosing a less conventional option. But what gives anyone the right to judge you for following your dreams? Why shouldn't you be able to do a degree in English, Geography or Sport science? Do an apprenticeship or drop out of college to get a job? If you are taking the next step that is right for you, where is the problem?

I guess what I'm trying to do is spread the message that as long as YOU are happy with what you're doing, why shouldn't anyone else be? Why should you have to do something to fit in with convention or to satisfy someone else? I've spent a long time trying to please other people but know now that it's me who has to live my life, and I should do it the way that I want to! So next time you feel like you're not going the right way just because it's not the most common, take a moment to think twice!

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

When it all gets a little bit overwhelming...

For some of us it's that time of year that may be even more stressful than exams; time to apply for university! Now I can hear it, some of you are asking 'how can applying for something be more stressful than getting the grades to get in?' But it really is! 

I'm 17 years old yet suddenly have to be making grown-up decisions about money about accommodation and about where I want to spend the next three or four years of my life. Not only that, I'm expected to make life-changing decisions. And I'm not talking 'I can't decide whether to pick music or art for GCSE' sort of decisions. In no way am I belittling GCSEs but, for anyone worrying about them right now, they're just a little stepping stone. In two years time you won't even remember your results from them. But now I have to pick one course that limits my career options so much. Am I really expected to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? 

And we have to 'sell ourselves' to the university in 4000 characters or less. That may seem like a lot but I don't think I've written a blog post that's shorter than that yet and the personal statement has to include enough information about me to earn myself an offer! 

For the last few weeks, I have been filled with worry and dread. I've been constantly anxious and panicky but I can see that it hasn't been necessary. My UCAS form has gone now; there's absolutely nothing that I can do to change anything so I can eagerly anticipate replies from my chosen universities. 

This experience has helped me to realise that sometimes it's extremely important to just take a minute to step back from the situation, relax and look after yourself. I have felt completely overwhelmed by the idea of choosing five universities but it's important to remember that whatever happens, it happens for a reason. Right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be and you have to trust that in the future you'll end up exactly where you're meant to be too! For the time being, when things get a little bit overwhelming, sit back and enjoy the ride because things won't be like this forever. 

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

What do you want to do in the future?

So this is going to be a different sort of blog post today. I haven't posted for a while and wanted to write but didn't have anything in particular to write about so I decided to just let my pen take control and see where it went. 

Since I've just finished my exams and my first year at college (year 12) and applying for university starts in September, I've been asked a lot about what it is I want to do in the future and I guess it's made me realise that I don't actually know, but that's okay! Sometimes it really is okay to be unsure of things. It just means that you're taking your time to consider things so that you don't rush into something that you don't really want to do.

For a while I've had a couple of options and one of those is to do medicine at university and then become a doctor. I have quite a lot of experience of the life changing things that doctors do and thought it would be absolutely fantastic to be able to help people like that. However, I've done quite a lot of voluntary work in hospitals and realised that often, the reality of the job isn't quite the same as you think. It is still something that I'm considering but I'd have to find a specialism with the minimal amount of paperwork possible as the main reason I'm interested in this is for the patient contact time. Which I guess could seem odd to some people who know me well as I can get quite anxious in social situations but, from my own experience, I'm not too bad in small groups for example when I'm teaching at swimming or in a classroom. So, I'm not by any means doubting the excellent work that medical professionals do. I'm just wondering whether or not the current system is something that I'd be happy working with because I believe that you never really work a day if you're doing something that you enjoy! 

One more thing that I've thought about is a career in teaching. I think it would give me plenty of opportunity to work with different types of people and the work experience I have done in schools has been really fun. I don't think I'd ever be able to teach in a primary school (the children are all way too small) but I quite enjoy maths and think I wouldn't be too much of a bad secondary school maths teacher. Again, because maths is something I enjoy, I think doing a degree in maths then a PGCE would be quite a good career choice for me but I'm not too sure. I may enjoy the degree so much that I choose a different career in maths. I know that by September I really need to have decided what I'm going to do and it may be one of these or I could choose something completely different but for the time being I'm not going to worry too much about it and just enjoy my summer. As long as I end up in a career that I enjoy, it doesn't matter too much to me and its probably what's here right now that I should be focusing on. Whatever happens, happens and you have to trust that you'll make the right decisions as they come along.

So in short, I'm not too bothered about what I do as a career or anything. I just want to have a job where I am happy and I'm in a position where I can make other people happy! But I do want to hear from you. What do you want to do in the future?

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x