Just because

Sat on my bed in what can only be described as a not-brilliant mood (kind of upset, kind of annoyed), I've spent a lot of time deliberating over whether or not I should actually write this post because I'm not the sort of person who enjoys going off on a rant. I promise I'm going to keep it as far away from that as I possibly can but I do have some annoyances to express.

We seem to live in a world where we need to justify every decision we make to just about anyone who wants to hear it and I just don't think that's right.

People are nosey, I get it. But when 'I'm sorry but this makes me feel uncomfortable' needs to be replaced with 'I'm sorry but this makes me feel uncomfortable because a long time ago I had this experience where.....' surely it becomes a violation of privacy. And if one day you're not feeling 100% yourself, you have to come up with a full justification because you're just tired/had an argument with someone close/can't be fully cheery every second of every day, then maybe you're just not spending your time with the right people.

But do you know what's even worse? When you have to justify how you react to certain situations. When someone treats you badly and you have to explain exactly which parts of your mistreatment made you feel a little bit rubbish. I'm really sorry, but maybe re-living those moments is just like pushing the knife further in.

And even worse than that, when you give a perfectly good justification but the person quizzing you simply can't take your answer as they've got preconceived ideas that your answers simply don't live up to. Especially when these brilliant preconceived ideas are in support of the person doing you wrong. Yes, I simply love making lies up, it's my favourite hobby. Just for future reference, that's sarcasm. I cannot lie for toffee; the only lie I tell semi-convincingly (well, that's debatable) is 'I'm fine' on occasions when I may not be.

And don't get me wrong, I really appreciate people asking slightly intrusive questions if they have genuine concerns AND want to help but if it's just plain nosiness and gossiping, then they really need to start appreciating your privacy.

From a young age, children are taught to accept 'just because' as an answer to life's tougher questions, so at which point was it that this stopped?

Sorry for the slightly ranty post, I can assure you that I'll back to my normal bubbly self by the time I next post but as I'm sure you've gathered, I'm just not feeling quite 100% right now. No justification needed.

Keep smiling,
Kathryn x

When in doubt, get it out

Trapped in a world where everyone is thinking three months ahead of where they are today, never fully appreciating the moment that they're living in right now, I'm sat here. And I know exactly where I am. But at the same time, I'm lost. And from time to time, that gets a little bit overwhelming.

What I've realised just this past week is that you can't keep all of your feelings trapped inside your head because it will just get on top of you. And then you'll explode. 

It really can be hard to find the correct balance of doing things for other peopl and doing things for yourself. But it's really important to be aware of yourself and what you need. Sometimes you just an afternoon away from it all, doing something you enjoy or doing nothing at all, to bring you back. And then you're 100% refreshed and ready to help everyone else again! So find your escape and learn when you need it.

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

Back around...

So here I am! I know I've been absent for a short while so I'm sorry everyone. I've had a lot going in my life and many things to deal with and juggling it all with two/three jobs, college work, being in and volunteering for a swimming club etc has been a little bit difficult. Never mind finding time to remain sane too! But that's all getting worked on now so all's good. A work in progress and all of that. But that leaves me in a muddle, I am back around and will be posting from time to time but I make no promises about how much because, quite simply, I can't.

But I'm not the only thing that's back around...

At the moment there are people in my life that I never thought would end up back in my life. And I am so thrilled that some of them are. But some of them it would be if they'd remained out of it. In the nicest way possible, obviously. They bring back awful memories, and others still treating me the way they did when I pushed them away so maybe keeping that sort of person at arms length is the best way forward.

And what else is back around? My life. I've literally come full circle, back to the place I was in this time last year. At first I thought that was an awful thing, but it doesn't have to be. I have a second opportunity to fix the things I didn't last year and I really am thankful for the opportunity to do just that. I know it's going to be hard, but hopefully with all of the help I'm getting I won't be going full circle back to the start again. I guess it's true what they say; what goes around does come back around.

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

Autumn

It's getting to that time of the year when I have to admit that things aren't going to be the same for ever. The bright summer days are all drawing to a close and, although we are still getting some beautiful sunsets, they're fewer and far between. All of the juicy green leaves on the trees have turned to a shade of golden brown. They've fallen to the ground and that's only a metaphor for everything that's going on around...

Times are changing, people are changing and it's scary. It's scary that what felt so strong has now been and gone. It's scary that people you were once so close to are now more distant that ever. But it's only when things are gone that you appreciate what you had and autumn makes me realise this. Understandably, things won't remain the same for ever; good things fall apart so that better things can fall together. 

And sometimes when you look outside on a crisp autumnal morning, you look straight through the blustery streets and past the fallen leaves to realise that there are some trees that still have those juicy green leaves. Those leaves will never change and likewise, some people in your life will never leave. Some things will always be a part of you. I've come to realise that I should be extremely thankful for the comfort of that thought.

It can be to remember that when good things are leaving your life, they're only making way for better things to enter. And YOU still have control. It's okay to want to hold on to the past but you'll always have the memories so it's okay to move on too!

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

When it all gets a little bit overwhelming...

For some of us it's that time of year that may be even more stressful than exams; time to apply for university! Now I can hear it, some of you are asking 'how can applying for something be more stressful than getting the grades to get in?' But it really is! 

I'm 17 years old yet suddenly have to be making grown-up decisions about money about accommodation and about where I want to spend the next three or four years of my life. Not only that, I'm expected to make life-changing decisions. And I'm not talking 'I can't decide whether to pick music or art for GCSE' sort of decisions. In no way am I belittling GCSEs but, for anyone worrying about them right now, they're just a little stepping stone. In two years time you won't even remember your results from them. But now I have to pick one course that limits my career options so much. Am I really expected to know what I want to do for the rest of my life? 

And we have to 'sell ourselves' to the university in 4000 characters or less. That may seem like a lot but I don't think I've written a blog post that's shorter than that yet and the personal statement has to include enough information about me to earn myself an offer! 

For the last few weeks, I have been filled with worry and dread. I've been constantly anxious and panicky but I can see that it hasn't been necessary. My UCAS form has gone now; there's absolutely nothing that I can do to change anything so I can eagerly anticipate replies from my chosen universities. 

This experience has helped me to realise that sometimes it's extremely important to just take a minute to step back from the situation, relax and look after yourself. I have felt completely overwhelmed by the idea of choosing five universities but it's important to remember that whatever happens, it happens for a reason. Right now you're exactly where you're supposed to be and you have to trust that in the future you'll end up exactly where you're meant to be too! For the time being, when things get a little bit overwhelming, sit back and enjoy the ride because things won't be like this forever. 

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

What do you want to do in the future?

So this is going to be a different sort of blog post today. I haven't posted for a while and wanted to write but didn't have anything in particular to write about so I decided to just let my pen take control and see where it went. 

Since I've just finished my exams and my first year at college (year 12) and applying for university starts in September, I've been asked a lot about what it is I want to do in the future and I guess it's made me realise that I don't actually know, but that's okay! Sometimes it really is okay to be unsure of things. It just means that you're taking your time to consider things so that you don't rush into something that you don't really want to do.

For a while I've had a couple of options and one of those is to do medicine at university and then become a doctor. I have quite a lot of experience of the life changing things that doctors do and thought it would be absolutely fantastic to be able to help people like that. However, I've done quite a lot of voluntary work in hospitals and realised that often, the reality of the job isn't quite the same as you think. It is still something that I'm considering but I'd have to find a specialism with the minimal amount of paperwork possible as the main reason I'm interested in this is for the patient contact time. Which I guess could seem odd to some people who know me well as I can get quite anxious in social situations but, from my own experience, I'm not too bad in small groups for example when I'm teaching at swimming or in a classroom. So, I'm not by any means doubting the excellent work that medical professionals do. I'm just wondering whether or not the current system is something that I'd be happy working with because I believe that you never really work a day if you're doing something that you enjoy! 

One more thing that I've thought about is a career in teaching. I think it would give me plenty of opportunity to work with different types of people and the work experience I have done in schools has been really fun. I don't think I'd ever be able to teach in a primary school (the children are all way too small) but I quite enjoy maths and think I wouldn't be too much of a bad secondary school maths teacher. Again, because maths is something I enjoy, I think doing a degree in maths then a PGCE would be quite a good career choice for me but I'm not too sure. I may enjoy the degree so much that I choose a different career in maths. I know that by September I really need to have decided what I'm going to do and it may be one of these or I could choose something completely different but for the time being I'm not going to worry too much about it and just enjoy my summer. As long as I end up in a career that I enjoy, it doesn't matter too much to me and its probably what's here right now that I should be focusing on. Whatever happens, happens and you have to trust that you'll make the right decisions as they come along.

So in short, I'm not too bothered about what I do as a career or anything. I just want to have a job where I am happy and I'm in a position where I can make other people happy! But I do want to hear from you. What do you want to do in the future?

Keep smiling,

Kathryn x

Introductions

In my last post I didn't really get a chance to introduce myself so I thought that would be a good place to start. In exchange, I'd like to hear all about some of you! You can do this by commenting, posting a link to your blog or any other way you see fit.

I'm Kathryn! Just your average 17-year old girl from England. Currently I'm at college studying for my A-levels and, to be honest, I'm not quite sure what I'll do afterwards. I mean, I've got some ideas but they never seem to satisfy everyone's hopes and dreams.

In my spare time I like to do quite a lot of different things so if you get bored easily I'd skip this paragraph! I love to swim; both competing myself and coaching/teaching others. Basically, I just enjoy everything about being near the pool and the feeling of freedom it gives. And I do hear what you're thinking: 'what about all of those crazy early morning sessions?' But you don't mind when it's something you love, honest.

Also, I thoroughly enjoy reading (the best form of escapism!) and writing. Not usually anything in particular so I'm always open to new suggestions. In fact, I've almost finished reading Looking for Alaska (which I would definitely recommend ) so be expecting a review soon! I also love listening to music but my taste in music is often considered to be 'odd' or 'a little strange' to other people.

I have other hobbies too but I'll get around to them at a later date. I look forward to hearing from some of you!

Keep smiling, 

Kathryn x