Hope

Sat with my notes scattered slightly carelessly across the table top; my laptop open, teasing me with the blank screen. I know that I'm supposed to be good at this, and I am, in theory. But that clinical-white blank page brings a cripling fear of making a mistake, and I freeze.

My mind wanders to a far-away place, a mountainside and all the freedom it brings. The colourful landscapes and the harmonies of nature. The sky is blue and clear, poles apart from my current state of mind. And then I remember. I remember that the world is so much bigger than this assignment. The world is so much bigger than me. Than university. Than education. The world is a beautiful page in someone's sketchbook, a narrative etched carefully onto a canvas of air.

I can see this beauty, but I can't feel it; it's like my veersion of real and everyone else's version of real are identical copies of the same page. Except they're carved in to a different secion of air and they never can quite align. I'm here, but I'm not actually here. I know I will be, it's just going to take time.

Still frozen. Eyes glued to the screen. Scared to write the first words. Scared of making the first mistake. Because once there's one mistake, what if it leaks mistake and wrongness into the rest of the words? What if they become contaminated by mistakes, plagued by fear?

An irrational fear of failure that, ironically, is more likely to lead to failure. But once recognised as such becomes even more infuriatingly difficult to control. I wish I could call it something more poetic, but it's not procrastination or perfectionism. I don't want everything to be perfect, I just fear the opposite too much to let the quirky imperfections shine through. An element of a proocess taking shape, a process that sometimes can't happen at all.

Still frozen. But someone hands me a lighted match, and lights an internal candle. A spark of hope; the power to thaw that panic. Someone hands a lighted match, and I realise that someone came from within me.


Keep smiling,
Kathryn

What's the worst that can happen?

For a long time I have been scared of doing new things. Sounds a little crazy written down like that but maybe craziness is what helps keep the world spinning around...




When it comes to going out with friends, my parents have always been quite strict I guess. For me, it wasn't just the usual 'be back by ten' or being given the third degree about who I go with/where I go. It was more, 'you're wasting time that you should be spending on school work and training'. And, as much as I understand that they had the best intentions/were probably a bit worried, it has led to sort of a mental intolerance to social activities.




In my head, I feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends, going out to parties or just having a catch up over coffee because I should be 'spending my time better'. But I've come to realise that there's no better way to spend your time than being happy. Despite this, it's still hard. I have to justify to myself my own reasoning for going if that makes sense? And because I'm not used to it and I know I'm going against my parents wishes, I worry excessively and panic so things don't always go all that well. To most of you, this is probably crazy but it has turned me into someone who fears being in an environment with other people. But this has just become a bigger and bigger issue because it leads to fear in other situations like interviews and meetings. And I realised that I need to do something about these fears before it becomes something that holds me back.




So even though I know that my parents still don't like me going to parties (yes, I am 18) I have tried more recently. And at first I was just worried and didn't enjoy it all that much. But after learning to relax a little more, I have discovered that, among the right people, it can be so much fun and maybe it's a shame that I've wasted too much time being too scared of things going wrong that I haven't let them go right either.




So I've promised myself that from now on I am going to try new things. I may not always enjoy them, but how will I know that I don't if I never try? And what is the worst that can happen? Is it really worth living a life not taking risks when you could find something that you love more than anything?




Keep smiling,
Kathryn x